Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
