I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
