i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
