but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
