haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
