it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
