the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
