if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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