it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
