sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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