I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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