Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
