btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.