Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
