I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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