Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
