and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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