so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
