After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
