hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
