I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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