I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
