somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
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God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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