My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
