is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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