3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
