so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
