I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
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