My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
