god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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