20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
