I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
