I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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