So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
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He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
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It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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