you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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