when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
