If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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