Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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