I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
