I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
