I think I won the penis lottery.
thus making me awesome and them whores
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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