He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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