I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
