How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
