onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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