Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
