is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
