Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
even my farts smell like vagina
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
