my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
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i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
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Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night