Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.