Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
