I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
