I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
