He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
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Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
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I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
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