I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
