I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
