While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
