I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
