everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I have aggressive nipples.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I forget how to act sober
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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