dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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