Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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