I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
