We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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