She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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