I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
